Published July 20, 2010
I'm writing this on a whim, and I'd like to see the result.
1. Not born, only made, simply sent, Made to judge, to be judged, to be diagnosed
The truth doesn't add up to what I'm saying, only an illusion is this feeling
I'm a freak, I'm a pill, I'm a human being
I live like a fish in a plastic bag, a bag which I completely understand
Predictably, disposable, unimposably imposable
5. Grow like a weed, and die like a flower
Murder me so we can live forever to the broken,
I am hideous to the beautiful, even more so to the ugly
I must be fixed, Though I'll never be better than you
10. Read another book to tell me what to do
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140,860 Literary Works • 673,695 Reviews
Hey,
I don't know what to do with this, haha. You had something going there at the beginning that you kind of lost and kind of got back in the middle only to lose it again towards the end. I feel helpless here, like I'm tangled in a spiderweb of words that can't be sorted out properly.
By the second line, I'm tired of this "I"; the trapped-in-a-bubble/bag/hole/cage images is really, really old, and for the sake of this poem, I wouldn't use it. And the repetition of bag is dusty.
And I don't think that, as grand as this is in a rush of words and confusion that personify this I, that this is working, because there is no sense of... what's the word, connectivity, or sense to this, which I get is the point, emphasized by the ending, which I think is clever. But, it's just not working for me because I think it's too uncertain.
It is fabulous fodder to work with, though. You should polish this.
June
Incredibly interesting metaphors and imagery. I thought this was a great piece.. awesome word choice, fascinating thought process, nice rhythm and flow, smooth and fitting for the topic. Overall, wonderful job.
Hey White Rabbit!
You write very well, even if it is "on a whim" like you said. I loved your poem, it's a different take on the world! And different is a good thing(:
My favorite line was:
That's an amazing way to put it!
I only have one line that confused me, and that was:
Unimposably imposable?
That's all I really have to say! Good work!
-SodapopLunchbox
You have a very interesting metaphor going on here, with the fish, and I like how that single line titles the entire poem. Some of your other lines ("grow like a weed, and die like a flower/murder me so we can live forever") are hauntingly wonderful, and stuck with me for awhile after I'd finished the poem.
Excellent work, please post more